


Come Back

by queenvidal



Series: Spectre Business [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, Loss of Trust, Post-Break Up, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 23:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20461169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenvidal/pseuds/queenvidal
Summary: Two years are a long time to mourn and move on,  but no one said it would be easy.Takes place during the events of ME2.





	Come Back

"I don't believe you." Shepard's not buying a single word from the illusive man. "You can bring me back from the dead but are unable to seek out my old crew?" 

The mastermind behind Cerberus wants her to work with him to stop the collectors, who are attacking human colonies. His first order for Shepard is to gather a new and powerful team but she doesn't want his recommendations. 

She doesn't want to work with Cerberus at all. Why they brought her back in the first place is beyond her, she sabotaged them with every chance she got. 

The illusive man puts out his cigarette. "Shepard, only Alenko stayed with the Alliance, everyone else quitted. But someone is waiting for you outside, an old friend."

Or a bullet in the back. "You want me to work with you, a racist terrorist group, even though I did everything possible to stop your experiments. I need a team I can trust, not your marionettes."

"Very well. You are free to seek out your old friends by your own, if you desire to."

And she will, but it won't be easy. They probably track her every step, hiding from them might be even impossible. Shepard sighs internally, she's trapped. 

Her mind considers to ask about Nihlus for a split second but she decides against it. Cerberus doesn't need to know she still cares for him. But now that she remembers last time she were on the Citadel he was still in coma, the question is burning under her tongue. 

A familiar voice behind the Commander cuts her off her mind and brings her back to the holo-room.

"Hey, Shep."

Shepard recognizes the voice immediately. "Joker!" 

The illusive man advises her to go after a salarian doctor and a turian called Archangel first but Shepard doesn't listen anymore, smiling brightly she hugs her best friend, careful not to break his bones. 

The connection gets cut by the illusive man, leaving the two alone. 

"As clingy as I remembered," the pilot jokes when she finally lets go of him. 

"Goddammit, Jeff! You have not idea how happy I am to see you."

  
  


\--

  


It is quiet on the Normandy SR2, only its engine can be heard purring. Joker checks the charts and ordered coordinates for what must be the fifth time when he hears footsteps behind him. 

He turns around to face a very pale and disheveled Commander. Only in a oversized hoodie and shorts. "Hey, can't sleep either?" he asks with compassion in his voice, he already knows the answer. 

Shepard sinks down on the co-pilot seat just like she had done thousand times before on the Normandy, the real Normandy. She tugs her knees under her chin and looks everywhere but the giant window before them, instead she turns the seat to face Joker completely. 

"It's getting worse." 

So he assumed. "Have you talked to Dr. Chakwas about your nightmares?" 

But the Commander shakes her head. "It's not just the nightmares, I think I just had a panic attack."

"Shit." Joker closes his console to give her all of his attention. "Anything I can do to help?" 

She shrugs with her shoulders. "Donno… keeping me company for a while?" 

Only now Joker realizes her eyes avoiding the window. He opens his console to close it's shutters, leaving them in the dim light of the night circle. "You… can't look at stars, huh?" 

"Nope. But guess what they've installed right above my bed, a large window with 'the perfect view'. Though I have admit they probably didn't make it on purpose to trigger me, they couldn't have known that."

Joker takes a note in his head to install there shutters as well, once they have shore leave. He knows it's an highly inappropriate question but he has to ask her about it. "Do you remember… it? You know…"

He can see tears dwelling in Shepards eyes but she's too stubborn let them fall. After a deep breath she says: "Every second."

She looks at him for a while before she continues. "I launched you with the last escape pot, got spaced with an explosion right in front of me, hit rubbles and slowly suffocated due a leak of my oxygen-tank, all while stims got pumped into my system to keep me stable…" 

Goosebumps cover every inch of Jokers body. The way she's reporting this, with no emotion, cold. "Sorry for asking. I shouldn't have done it."

She looks at him with a lazy smile. "It's alright, we both know the question burned on your soul the second you saw me."

"What can I say, I'm an open book to you." He jokes back, glad she knows him that well enough to not get hurt. 

"Do you still have contact, you know… to the others?" 

Joker has to sigh. "No. After you… we lost each other pretty quickly, everyone went to new places. It was hard, for all of us. You were the glue that kept the little freak-show together, without you, there was no reason to stay."

After small silence he adds "And I was the last one someone wanted to speak to…"

Shepard raises an eyebrow in question "Huh? Why's that?" 

Joker doesn't meet her eyes, he's ashamed. It takes him a moment to reply. "After the Alliance picked the survives up, we got questioned, when Kidan spotted me among the others he asked why the hell I was present but you still missing. The room went silent and after I told him, he blamed me for your…"

Jokers voice starts to tremble and he hides his face more and more behind his cap. But Shepard doesn't need to hear more anyway. She leaves her spot to hug her best friend, who starts sobbing after a moment of silence. 

"Goddammit, Joker. You're not to blame." Survivors guilt is a serious and unfortunately overlooked issue in the military. Nothing Shepard could say can ease the pain or scare away the dark thoughts. "I'd do it all over again for you and you know that, Jeff." 

But Joker doesn't answer, after Shepard pulls away from him, he quickly wipes the tears away and inhales deeply. "Sorry. Lost my cool for a second."

Shepard sits back in her seat with her brows tilted into a frown. She can't help him and it sucks. When she has her talk with Karen about her panic attack from earlier, she'll tell the Doc about Joker. The last thing she wants for him is to lose himself in guilt. 

They both remain silent for a while. Joker fumbles with armrest of his new and very much loved pilot chair before he breaks the silence. 

"_He's _ fine, by the way."

Shepard head snaps up. "Really?" 

Jeff nods before he continues. "Woke up a few weeks after...it. Stayed with Anderson for a while, who took your, well, very hard."

A sigh of relief slips from Shepards lips. Nihlus is alive and well. A burden less on her shoulders. But Joker hasn't finished. 

"On the first anniversary of the Normandys destruction, Anderson and Admiral Hackett held a small ceremony in honor of the fallen. We all came together for the final time. I stood in the background, didn't want to provoke the others with my attendance to it."

The Commander bites her cheeks, it hurts her how badly Joker got treated. She decided in matter of split seconds to stay behind and launch the escape pot without her and she'd do it again. Joker is not to blame for anything, he tried to save his ship and she tried to save everyone. 

"Kaidan didn't even glance in my direction, not that I wanted to talk to him but still… luckily the others weren't that repellent." 

Shepard tugs her knees under her chin. "I can't imagine Kaidan to be an asshole."

Joker chuckles sarcastically. "Uh-huh, a cinnamon roll. Anyway, _ he _ came as well, didn't talk with anyone, stood in the shadows like I did. Probably unsure if he of all people would be welcome there. He just listened to Andersons speech and left shortly after it. I know you two had an awful break up, and hell, I'd have strangled him for what he said to you, would still, but to be honest, I thought it's been a nice thing for him to say goodbye one final time."

"It was." Shepard agrees. Hopefully Nihlus moved on. To her it feels like only a few days went by but she has to remind herself it's been two years for everyone else. It is nice to know he thought of her after everything that had happened between them. 

The Commander gets up from her seat and pats Joker on the shoulder. "Thanks, Jeff. For letting me know and well, for the distraction."

"Anytime, Shep."


End file.
